The 80's - 10 sept 2008

We're in to the 1980's now. Art College was a drag and the Falklands war had just been won by a grateful Britain, who had just remembered why we used to have an empire.....the evil tyrants had been well and truely whiplashed and the Royal Navy suddenly had a bright future after the MOD cuts of the early 80's. Maybe i could get some real military training.

Personally i had shed 5 stone, was trim, fit and single, so i fancied my chances with the either boys in blue or the deck swabs of the Senior Service. I plumped for the Navy; free rum, free visits to distant and mysterious lands and as many girls as you could fit on your arms. First choice the Navy, ......this is how the interview went:

Old Fat Sailor Man: Well your phyical tests are fine and the written tests even better.

Me: Thats good, i was worried about the tests.

OFSM: Ok, so what do you fancy doing?

Me: Well, i've been thinking, and i quite like the idea of going into the gunnery side of things...

OFSM: Hmmmm, we dont use guns no more, its all hi tec now.

Me: But you just won the falklands war and guns were on all the ships.

OFSM: Yes but that was just a one off. How do you fancy Submarines?

ME: Oh no, too claustrophobic, i like my fresh air.

OFSM: Well you are too qualified for a deck hand and you are not qualified enough for officer training. So i dont know where to fit you in.

ME: Oh, thats it then?

OFSM: Yes, (pause) .....have you thought about the Police Force, i hear they are looking for people. Anyway we have our quota of filled vacancies now, try again next year.

And that was my first and last impression of the Senior Service. Compete and utter disillusion.
So, my next visit was to the RAF Careers Office. I have always had a lasting love with aircraft, the big models in the RAF window had always been a place for me to make a beeline to everytime i was in town, but i knew i would never make aircrew because of my shortsightedness.

So more tests, physical and mental, and then the final interview again with a rather hard faced Sgt this time. The warning bells were ringing in my ears....

Hard Faced Sgt: Well your phyical tests are fine and the written tests excellent.

Me: thats good.

HFSgt: So what branch are you interested in?

Me: Well i quite like the idea of the RAF Regiment.

HFSgt: oooww, you don't want to go there, its crap, you may as well be a squaddie in the army!!
What are your interests?

ME: Well, i like the idea of being involved with aircraft, and i do have art and photography skills.

HFSgt: Are you Gay?

Me: Excuse me!!

HFSgt: Well you are attending art college, so you must be gay, and on drugs too, ...have you got a girlfriend?

Me: No, i am too busy with college stuff at the mom....

HFSgt: (cut off) What would you do if late one nite somebody slipped into your bunk whilst you were asleep.....?

Me: (getting rather confused and pissed off now), i would tell him to get out and sod off...

HFSgt: ah, but what if it was a genuine mistake?

Me: Look I AM NOT GAY, and what has this to do with choosing a branch?

HFSgt: just checking.... tell you what, i will put your name forward for Air Traffic Control, hows that?

Me: But i would rather do the photographer or....

HFSgt: (butts in) .....well you can always transfer at a later date. We send all your names off to the MOD in London and a computer picks out the right number of candidates of those who apply.

Me: ...but that doesn't sound like a fair way of doing it, surely you should be picked on your merits, abilities and personality.....

HFSgt: Look, if you don't get picked this year come back next year, we are always looking for good people.....

Compete and utter disillusion AGAIN. What do you have to do to get in the armed forces, i was offering myself and all they wanted was bull-neck gorillas with no personality and imagination.

So i never did apply again the following year, i sometimes look back and wished i did, maybe it would have been an adventure. I surely would have enjoyed the armed services, the self-discipline and organisation was second nature to me and i'm sure i would have excelled in my profession. But it never happened, i can't turn back time, and this is probably why now i am so into militaria, to make up for that missing piece of my life.

As a final part of this story i used to call into the local Army and Navy Stores in town often, here i bought a Navy square neck top and an RAF jacket, which i used to wear for the next few years, maybe it was my small way of mentally being attached to these services.